Survival

How did I handle December the 26th? As if it was meaningless. As if it was just any other day. I gave it the middle finger and then tried to ignore it. Kind of like when you put that basket of unfolded laundry in your closet where it’s out of sight. If you don’t acknowledge it, does it even exist? The answer is “no.”

For other important dates and anniversaries, I have made it a point to do something adventurous. Kayaking, rock climbing… this time I thought about going on a helicopter ride or going sky diving or doing some other un-leisurely pursuit involving a whole lotta nope. But when it came right down to it, I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge the significance of that day, because that meant acknowledging that things were different and that Gregg was gone. So, I didn’t. *shrug*

But to be honest, the day wasn’t all bad. We hid in an RV all week in the freezing desert of Moab, UT. We baked terrible cookies and played in the snow and took 30 second showers. I did buy a portable security device for the RV because sometimes I hear Gregg’s voice in my head telling me about all the bad people in the world. I took his hulking physique for granted when he was alive. I always knew that if we were ever in a bad situation, he would fight (and win) to keep use safe or charm his way out of it. Not having him here sometimes makes me feel vulnerable. Someday I’ll become a black belt, but until then, having a tiny alarm that’s the decibel of a canary makes me feel better.

Anyway, occasionally during my attempt at escaping civilization we ventured further out to hike or explore the town. Some of my favorite family members came to join us in hiding. It was the best place to be and we had the most fun that we could have had during such a terrible time.

I don’t think that Thomas remembers the day Gregg died. After the paramedics came to tell me that Gregg was gone, I sat there in shock, silently ugly crying I think. Thomas put his chubby hand on my leg and in his best concerned toddler voice said, “you sad mom?… you sad?” He kept saying that and patting my leg. He didn’t even cry when I put him in my parent’s car and told him he was going to stay the night with grandma and grandpa. My cautious, shy child whom I had to hold the entire first year of his life because he was so attached to me was brave. Children are aware of and capable of a lot more than we give them credit for.

Anyway, the suck that has been November and December and early January is starting to lift. Man, I need to move somewhere that skips Winter.

 

 

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