The loneliness has started to set in. That deep, feel it in my bones type. It’s strange to be surrounded by so many people and still be lonely.

I’ve felt like this before, but this also feels different. I’ve always felt Gregg’s absence (both his figurative absence before he died and his literal absence now) very keenly. And yeah, it’s been lonely. But now it’s more like, “well crap, now I have no one.” No one. Not Gregg, not anyone. And I know I have people, and I love my people, but I don’t have a person. There’s a difference. People give you advice. A person lets you ramble on to them until you solve your own problem. People are there for you. A person never leaves you alone. People love you. A person loves you while they’re plotting your death. You get the idea.

So I’ve been doing lots of self-care stuff, which has helped with the loneliness. I bought a road bike, started reading a biography, I spend a few days a week lifting moderately heavy things at the gym, lots of concerts, planning fun trips. They all serve as great distractions. It’s impossible to feel lonely when you have so many things to fill your time. Right?

And I’m trying to use this time to learn about myself. I am a completely different person than I was when Gregg was here. Sometimes I think I know who that person is, sometimes she’s a complete stranger. But all these self-care things have helped me get to know her. Like, I really love being physically active. And being outside. And playing in the dirt with my kids. I love music and seeing new things and meeting people and hearing their stories. And I still hate roller coasters and heights and public speaking. So there’s that.

And there’s things that I’ve learned about my relationships in general. Well, one specific thing actually. I’ve never read the love language book or whatever, but I read about it on a blog once, so I’m basically an expert. My love language is definitely service, with quality time as a close second. But I have a really hard time letting people serve me. What does that say about me as a person? That I don’t actually want to be loved? That I don’t think I deserve to be loved? That I make my friends and family’s lives (including Gregg’s) really difficult sometimes because I push them all away? That I’m just way too much in my head right now and I need to get back to reality instead of worrying about some crap that someone made up? Maybe. Probably.

And another thing, why did it take me so long to try avocado toast?! Whoever thought of putting those two things together is a culinary genius, and I’m not even ashamed to say that I’ve bought into that trend. I guess I’m just a basic millennial.