I’ve finally realized how lonely it is to be alone. I’m the type of person who treasures my time away from people, even the people I love. A girl needs space. It’s just how I recharge. I’ve been like that since I was a kid. I used to sneak breakfast food into my room at night so I could wake up early and read for hours without having to come out of my room for sustenance. Genius.
That’s not to say I’m a total loner, I just need enough alone-ness to balance out the people-ness. Gregg was the opposite. He needed people.
I only needed Gregg. No, not needed. Wanted. I wanted Gregg. During times when he was really struggling, it was like he was just gone. He was not my husband, my childhood friend, my confidante. He just wasn’t there. I used to tell him during those times that I felt alone on the island. That’s what this feels like.
I guess I thought that all those times I felt alone when Gregg was alive had prepared me to be really alone. And I’m sure they did, but not enough to last forever. I’ve started talking to Wilson and searching desperately for a way off this freaking rock.
And before you get any ideas, I’m not talking about finding a husband *eye roll*, although I am contemplating starting to think about maybe becoming more open to that idea someday. But I don’t need to find anyone, I have people all around me who would gladly share their fish or help me build a raft. But when you’ve gotten so used to being alone, how do you do anything else?
Sometimes I envy people who are divorced. At least if I was divorced, I could fight with Gregg all time. And while I called him a giant toddler and he told me I was a control freak who’s getting wrinkles, we would truly know each other.